It has been said that poor communication is the #1 cause of conflict. Let me clarify. I have said multiple times that poor communication is the #1 cause of conflict.

But is it really?

It makes sense that it could be. When we don’t communicate well, when we come across as accusatory, when we use too many “you” statements and not enough “I” statements, when we talk over others, and when we don’t listen well…these are all potential conflict starters. In combination they are probable conflict starters. But I had a thought the other day. One that made me go a little deeper.

If everyone communicated well, would it eliminate conflict?

Think about it. If everyone in the world learned good communication skills, would conflict cease? And the answer is an obvious no. Poor communication may be a cause of conflict. But it is certainly not the #1 cause of conflict.

I wonder what is?

That was my next question. And I realized that what is inside of us, the ideas, beliefs, judgments, opinions, perspectives, etc… THOSE things are the #1 cause of conflict. I even realized some ancient wisdom in the book of James…

“What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires?”

And when I saw this, it confirmed what I had just realized. WHAT we say and WHY we say it carries even more weight than HOW we say it.

Communication skills are good. They help reduce conflict. I believe in their importance.

But all the good communication skills in the world won’t eliminate the conflict that is born from polluted thoughts pouring out of skillful lips.

I am looking inside. Seeing what pollution might have been invited in. Or snuck in. Because I want to deal with it. Get my thoughts cleaned up. So I can champion those things beyond me in need of repair.

Will you join me?



I’m so excited to share that the eBook version of my latest book, Loud Is Not A Language: Blueprints for Building Healthy and Effective Communications, is available for pre-order!

If you’re ready to revolutionize your communication skills and transform your relationships, look no further than Loud Is Not A Language®. Our thought framework fosters emotionally safe environments, where differences are valued and constructive dialogue thrives. Say goodbye to the need to prove you’re right and embrace impactful interactions.

I’m offering a special gift for those who pre-order the eBook no later than midnight on 7-26-23: a Free seat at The C5 Workshop: Create Confident Constructive Conflict Capabilities.


Free workshop when you pre-order Loud Is Not a Language.


If you have found yourself:

  • dancing around sensitive issues with people…
  • uncertain what to say and not to say around certain people…
  • frustrated that you can’t openly share your perspectives…
  • angry or confused over other people’s perspectives…

Then, this workshop will help you confidently and effectively step into those conversations while strengthening the relationships involved at the same time.

Be the first to experience the power of effective communication.

Find out more here: Loud Is Not a Language Book